


before and after

by criminelles



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-27 23:52:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15695931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criminelles/pseuds/criminelles
Summary: Casey likes to divide things up into categories, into easily understandable pieces that she can analyze and study like she’s preparing for a final. It’s part of why she likes Paul so much, sitting down in his office and talking about this thing (usually Derek related although various boyfriends have made guest appearances) and breaking it down into manageable parts.So when she and Derek have sex for the first time, Casey decides this is as good a place as any to divide into before and after (she refuses to analyze it though, Freud was always her least favourite and she doesn’t feel like going down that route).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> you may ask me, did you really write this completely self indulgent fanfic about a children's show that's been off the air for almost a decade? and i will say yes i did. basically my take on what's happened since vacation with derek, including things that the fandom has essentially agreed have happened so enjoy my not entirely original hot take!

Casey likes to divide things up into categories, into easily understandable pieces that she can analyze and study like she’s preparing for a final. It’s part of why she likes Paul so much, sitting down in his office and talking about this thing (usually Derek related, although various boyfriends have made guest appearances) and breaking it down into manageable parts.

 

So when she and Derek have sex for the first time, Casey decides this is as good a place as any to divide into before and after (she refuses to analyze it though, Freud was always her least favourite and she doesn’t feel like going down that route).

 

It happens the last night of their vacation. she’s packing her things, neatly of course, into her suitcase when he storms in. They argue (she hates that she can’t remember why because then she could maybe find a way to shift the blame onto him). They get into each other’s faces, all fire and rage like always. She leans onto the balls of her feet and closes the distance between them (although she will deny this later and try to convince him that he was the one who kissed her first).

 

It’s not romantic (nothing with him will ever be). They end up on the floor because she won’t let him push her suitcase off the bed (’do not make a mess’). It’s quick and rough and after, when she’s pulling her bra back down over her breasts (he was so eager he didn’t even bother to attempt to take it off) and he’s buckling his belt, he looks down and asks her if that was her first time. She scoffs, ‘you wish.’ He looks at her and the look is unreadable. ‘Truman?’ He asks and she makes a face. His eyes widen in that familiar way like when she’s done something he can’t quite classify as Casey. ‘Max?’ he almost spits his name out and Casey doesn’t know why but she looks away. ‘Wow, that’s rich.’ She rolls her eyes and pushes him out of her room.

 

She will never tell him but she can barely remember her first time, when after junior prom Max took her to a hotel room and the only thing she could think of was how the light from her paper lanterns reflected on his hair when he came to her room (‘I’ve come to take you to prom’) and that when it was over Max asked her if she was good and she looked at him like she forgot he was even there (that he was inside her).

 

He’ll ask her later if that’s the reason she came back home that night in such a daze and she’ll shrug before he shudders like he’s going to be permanently traumatized.

 

She feels just about the same when she hears Simon crying (what have I done). Then she chalks it up to one moment of weakness. Before and after but there will be no during.

 

* * *

 

 

They’re having one last family dinner and she has a moment where she feels like she might throw up. Things will never be the same again (here’s another before and after). But she powers through like she always does and puts down her fork. ‘I have an announcement,’ she says brightly, smile on her face. Derek watches her from across the table and she refuses to falter under his gaze. ‘I’m taking a gap year.’

 

She sees her mother open her mouth in shock from the corner of her eye but he’s staring at her so intently that she can’t look away, she can’t give him the satisfaction. ‘I’m going to dance in New York.’ She meant to include with Jesse somewhere in that sentence but all of a sudden she can’t remember (he looks away, she wins).

 

She turns to face her mother who looks at her with confusion. ‘I’ve talked to Dad, he says I can stay with him.’ Nora looks down at her plate and takes a deep breath. ‘Mom, I’ve already let Queens know to defer my enrolment for a year.’ She looks at her pleadingly. She needs her to understand and she feels like a hand that was clenching her heart release when Nora looks back up at her and smiles. ‘Oh Casey, that sounds great.’ She takes her hand in hers and squeezes.

 

George clears his throat, encouraged by Nora’s reaction. ‘If not now then when? Right, Casey?’ He smiles at her and Casey feels that hand in her chest completely let go.

 

Derek seems to have recovered as he smirks at her. ‘Wow Klutzilla takes Manhattan.’ Edwin snickers beside him (he doesn’t look away from her) and it seems to encourage him more. ‘Gee, thanks Case for sparing Kingston from your rampage but maybe we should let the good people of New York know what’s coming for them.’ Casey tries to hit him with a swift kick but instead hits her mother’s shin.

 

Nora yelps before giving a pained smile, ‘Well this is one thing I won’t miss.’ Derek looks at Nora like he just realized she was there. ‘I’m excusing myself.’ He says as he gets up, uncharacteristically taking his plate with him which he unceremoniously dumps into the sink, the sound making everyone left at the table jump. ‘Yikes.’ Marti comments before stabbing a piece of broccoli with her fork.

 

* * *

 

The next day George and Derek pack the two cars (the Prince is filled solely with hockey gear) for the drive to Kingston.

 

Casey doesn’t get out of bed until she can hear him leave his room and get into the shower. She sneaks through the house, filled with guilt for a reason she can’t quite place (she doesn’t want to).

 

It doesn’t work (that’s what she gets for accepting the room next to him). She almost collides into him as he’s leaving the bathroom (she can feel the humidity from the shower and it threatens to suffocate her).

 

‘Don’t know how well you’re going to do in New York if you can’t even walk straight without almost killing someone.’ It’s a challenge, she knows it well (god she can’t resist, can’t even pretend to help herself) and puffs out her chest. ‘Oh I see the drama queen woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.’ She meant for it to come teasing, almost a peace offering of sorts (look we can get back to normal). He shakes his head and walks into his room and she feels an empty pang.

 

She follows him anyway and he looks at her with surprise. ‘What are you doing?’ She takes a step toward him and he’s still a little wet (it’s getting on her shirt). ‘We have a couple hours together in this house left and you can’t possibly fathom being nice to me for once in your life?’ She goes to poke him in the chest before realizing he’s not wearing a shirt and pulls her hand back in disgust. He raises his eyebrows at her before putting his hands on her shoulders, turning her around and pushing her out the door. ‘Why don’t you run away if you don’t like it.’ She turns around to give a retort but the door slams in her face.

 

So she stays in her room, packing even though her flight isn’t for another week, until Lizzie comes in. ‘Come on, Derek and George are about to leave.’ Casey doesn’t look up from her desk where she’s picking out what jewelry she wants to take with her. ‘Casey, come on. Can’t you and Derek act like normal human beings for once and let us say goodbye as a family.’ Casey feels her stomach lurch at the word (isn’t that what she wanted a few hours ago) but gets up.

 

She stays on the landing by the stairs, silent but Nora seems to have given up any hope of the two having any kind of meaningful goodbye. Casey waves and Derek catches her eye before he turns to leave.

 

She stays behind as the rest of the family spills outside onto the driveway to continue their goodbyes. She rushes upstairs to look out the window and she sees Derek pick up Marti, whisper something to her as she wipes her face. Nora props up Simon’s arm to wave goodbye as he gets into the car and Casey thinks that she could probably catch him if she ran down the stairs right this minute (she doesn’t and he drives away, George following behind him in the family car).

 

She spends the rest of the day hovering over Simon, packing and asking her mother every half hour if she needs help with anything (the idea of being alone with her thoughts terrifies her). George comes back late at night, greeted by Casey who has planted herself in front of the tv since everyone else went to bed. ‘Hockey?’ He looks surprised from the screen back to her. ‘Figures you would finally come around once Derek’s gone.’ Before he plops down next to her. She just sighs in response.

 

* * *

 

The way she sees things is that this after is not about Derek. She will never give him the satisfaction of having sway over her life. This after is about being an adult. Before she became a grown up and after.

 

But she puts that aside when Marti comes crawling into her bed the night before her flight to New York. She doesn’t ask and she doesn’t make any remarks about Casey’s snoring (maybe Derek’s influence wanes fast). Instead she holds onto her tight and Casey rubs her back, welcoming the closeness. They don’t speak because there’s nothing to say.

 

In the morning, Casey finds that Marti’s gone but when it’s time to say goodbye at the airport, she’s the only one not crying (Edwin’s eyes are misty and he keeps commenting loudly about how bad his allergies are lately). Casey gets down on her knees and hugs her tight and Marti whispers to her ‘promise you’ll come back.’ Casey nods and Marti nods back, seriously. It feels like a secret.

 

After George has a mini meltdown over the cost of adding extra baggage (of course she has an extra bag, she’s not an animal), Casey finally takes her little carry on and goes through security, trying to remember every little detail because she knows her life is never going to be the same.

 

Her dad picks her up from the airport, but they find Jesse in the crowd somehow. He looks at her sheepishly with a bouquet of lillies. She wraps her arms around him and kisses him chastely before turning back to her dad, who looks at her with a quizzical expression on his face. ‘Dad, this is Jesse, he got me that audition with the studio.’ She explains quickly. ‘And he’s…’ She trails off before he confidently adds ‘the boyfriend, pleasure to meet you sir.’ She smiles and that heavy feeling that was hanging over her lifts.

 

They shake hands and share a cab to her father’s place, a condo overlooking Central Park. He shows her to her room and Jesse helps her unpack. Her father walks by the room every once in awhile and the first few times she thinks it’s Derek (a gut reaction) before she realizes that her father is making sure that there’s no funny business.

 

‘I’m so happy you’re here.’ Jesse says to her once they’re finished unpacking, sitting on the bed. Casey looks at him, he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘Me too.’ They kiss and she feels like this is it. This is where she’s meant to be.

 

* * *

 

Jesse’s apartment is a block from the studio and Casey finds that it makes sense for her to crash at his place most nights (not that her father notices). The first month is a whirlwind. The schedule is gruelling in a way that she could never be used to (a total little fish in a big pond). She’s dancing with people who have years of experience, went to actual dance schools and come from places like Paris and Moscow. She gets tired of telling people she’s from London, no not that London, and instead starts telling people she’s from Toronto (it’s kind of true). She realizes with a sickening thud that she could be here for five years and she still wouldn’t be good enough. It doesn’t stop her though (she loves a challenge) and she pushes herself.

 

On the nights where she collapses onto the floor, everyone else long gone home, Jesse comes and wraps her up in his arms. He tells her exactly what she needs to hear, assures her that she’s got what it takes, that she belongs here, that they wouldn’t have accepted her if she wasn’t good enough, that she’s better than good enough. She smiles at him (he tells her that her smile could light up the whole city) and he kisses her gently, then not so gently when they make it back to his place.

 

And usually she would talk about being ready and not wanting to jump into things but things change and when he looks at her, she feels like he really sees her so what’s the point in waiting. So on those nights when she really needs him, he comes and they make love in his apartment. In the kitchen, on the living room floor and one particularly steamy session in the shower that makes her blush when she thinks about it. It’s always slow and passionate and she feels lighter (and she never pictures Derek, not even once).

 

* * *

 

The first call comes from Edwin.

 

She’s heard from Lizzie (and Nora) that he was a monster for first couple weeks without Derek. He tried to fill the power vacuum but failed, miserably, when Marti and Lizzie easily had him outnumbered. He briefly tried to draft Simon onto his team before realizing he needed a couple years before he could count him as a body for his side.

 

Then he began spending long meandering walks through Derek’s room and began discovering his brother for the first time in a way that he never could with him there.

 

That ended up with nostalgic-tinged revelations that were not appreciated by the rest of the family. After Edwin brought a page ripped out of a harlequin novel found under Derek’s mattress (he had developed a habit of going through her room and ripping out pages from the books she kept in the back of her underwear drawer in the last months of their grade twelve year), clutching it lovingly in his hands, to the dinner table and read from it, Lizzie had had enough.

 

Derek was called, words were had and Edwin had the fear of god put into him (at least enough to keep him out of Derek’s room). It hadn’t stopped the rose coloured glasses he saw his older brother through though.

 

She’s sitting at a desk in the apartment she’s commandeered for studying. Dance is never enough for her so she’s taking Spanish lessons at the local Y (they didn’t have French). ’Listen Edwin, if you’re calling to describe how another dust bunny you found in Derek’s room is in the shape of his jersey number, save it.’ She starts without even a hello (she’ll feel guilty about that later).

 

’I think there’s something wrong with Derek.’ When Casey doesn’t respond, Edwin continues. ‘He’s not attending any of his classes.’

 

‘And this is news how? He’s not exactly the scholar of the house.’ (There is no home now, just a place they both used to live).

 

Edwin sighs heavily like he can’t believe he has to spell it out for her. ‘His hockey scholarship maybe?’

 

She sits back in her chair (it’s really Jesse’s chair in Jesse’s apartment but when two become one and all that). ‘So he loses his stupid hockey scholarship through his own fault. What am I supposed to do about it?’She knew that it couldn’t have lasted forever, this blissful Derek-free world. it was nice (and when she’ll look back she’ll remember just how Derek-free her thoughts were, an oddity from the past three years of her life).

 

There’s something like silence on the other end but she doesn’t know if Edwin is breathing heavily or if it’s just the static from their bad phone connection. ‘Can you talk to him? Nothing motivates him like you do?’

 

Casey narrows her eyes as if this is a set up. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ she asks accusingly before Edwin sighs again (he’s always been so world weary, that’s what happens when you’re the younger brother to Derek Venturi). ‘Nothing, just… just call him okay?’ She gives in with a fine in a huffy voice.

 

Before they hang up, Edwin tells her, ‘You know he has a lot of you related crap in his room.’ She doesn’t respond, just presses the end button on her cell phone and tries not to think about it too much.

 

* * *

 

The phone call goes something like this. She calls him. He answers with an insult. She insults him back without even thinking about it and before she knows it they’re bantering like old times (when did old times switch from her perfect life in a condo in Toronto to fighting in a crowded house with Derek).

 

‘Edwin called,’ she tells him after they’ve sufficiently knocked down each other’s egos. ‘Congrats’ comes his reply, sarcastic as ever. ‘I’m so proud you’ve both caught up to the rest of the world and can now make phone calls to each other. Did your messenger pigeons die?’

 

Casey takes a deep breath, trying to remember why exactly she is walking into the lion’s den of her own volition. ‘I know you’re skipping your classes.’

 

He seems taken aback by this and doesn’t respond for a beat, then two. ‘And you care because?’ It’s a weak comeback, they both know it and he scrambles to find something better. ‘Is it because your life is so mind numbingly boring that you need to find new projects to work on?’ It’s better but it feels too harsh, a little too on the mark but Casey won’t let him know that.

 

‘No, maybe because I care about my family. And maybe because you can’t afford to fuck around with your grades with your hockey scholarship. And _maybe_ because I don’t want to have deal with your slacker ass hanging around the house whenever I come back home from college, like a total loser.’ Casey takes a deep breath, pleased with herself for pushing all the right buttons (Edwin called the right person for the job).

 

Derek inhales sharply on the other end of the line and she knows she’s won when he ends the call with a quick ‘fuck you’. (Edwin emails a week later her that his source on campus has seen Derek coming to class).

 

* * *

 

The second call comes from Nora.

 

They talk semi regularly, as much as they can considering that Casey is determined to throw herself completely into everything she does and Nora has, well, she has a family to raise.

 

It comes while Casey is trying to get back into Jesse’s apartment, a bag full of groceries that are threatening to burst right out the bottom when her cell phone rings. She manages to flip it open just before the call disconnects and yells a hey as she tries to move the bags into her left hand so she can get the phone to her ear with her right.

 

Casey can hear Simon babbling in the background before Nora can get the words out and she feels a sharp pain in her chest. She apologizes for bugging her, that’s when Casey knows something’s up. Nora only gets this overly polite when there’s something wrong and she needs her help. Casey braces herself.

 

’Casey, listen, Derek’s been in… an accident.’ She hears a clang as a can of lentils breaks through the bag and goes rolling in the street. She mumbles a shit under her breath to which Nora says ‘yeah.’

 

She takes a deep breath, not even having processed what her mother has said, instead focused on saving the rest of her groceries before she sees someone pick it up. ‘Hey!’ About to launch into a lecture about strangers picking up whatever they see on the street when her eyes travel up and see Jesse holding up the can. He moves to grab the broken bag, pressing a kiss to her cheek and taking the rest.

 

She smiles and finally turns her attention back to her phone. ‘Hi mom, what about Derek?’

 

Nora takes a deep breath. ‘He got into a fight at hockey practice and broke his nose.’ She pauses as if to allow time for Casey to react. When there’s silence from her end, Nora continues. ‘We were hoping that you could come up and maybe stay with him a bit. George has a big trial coming up and you know I can’t leave Simon alone and well, wouldn’t it be nice if you came up to see him?’

 

Casey follows Jesse into the elevator, his hand on the small of her back and she doesn’t respond for a moment.

 

Nora sighs. ‘I know it’s a lot to ask you but he’s your brother.’ ‘Step.’ The word comes out automatically, without her even thinking it.

 

‘Okay, step-brother but he’s still family.’ Casey looks at Jesse and he meets her eyes, smiling warmly and she leans into him. He wraps his arms around her and she takes a deep breath. ‘I’ll think about it.’ She answers finally and she can almost hear Nora’s smile in her voice. ‘Oh great thank you Casey. listen, I gotta go but we’ll talk later.’ She hangs up before Casey can reply.

 

She presses her face to the crook of Jesse’s neck, her lips ghosting over that spot that drives him wild. He doesn’t ask her about the phone call, he knows how tense she gets after family calls and she thinks yeah I love this man of mine.

 

She spends the night glued to him, lips, hands, body, everywhere. And when he finally turns his attention to her, she melts under his gaze (she won’t give much thought to the fact that she decides to visit Derek with his head between her thighs).

 

* * *

 

She drives the six hours to Kingston in a rental. It’s still not enough time to prepare herself to see him after four months.

 

It takes her half an hour to trek from the parking lot to his dorm. She had memorized the campus, but that was in the summer and the snow and wind are disorienting. She calls him as she stands outside the building but he doesn’t answer (typical).

 

It’s a good fifteen minutes before a burly looking guy in a toque opens the door and Casey sticks her foot in to stop it from closing. He catches the door before it gets anywhere close to her foot though and holds it open for her. ‘M’lady.’ He says with a little bow and Casey needs to take a breath before she ends up making a face.

 

It takes her awhile, wandering through random corridors until she finally finds his room, the whiteboard on his door covered in get well messages. One reads ‘get well der xoxo kelsey.’ She presses her finger against one of the x’s and when she pulls away it gets smudged (oops).

 

She takes a deep breath and knocks. The same burly looking guy from the lobby opens up. she can see he has a mess of curls on his head now that the toque is gone. ’And behind door number one.’ He laughs, a laugh that reveals all his teeth and Casey feels uneasy at how white they are. ‘Hi, um, I’m looking for Der-‘ The man of the hour appears from a doorway. There are bags under his eyes but they could be bruises, his nose is covered by a splint and there’s a cut on his lip that’s still swelling.

 

‘Oh no, no, no.’ He puts his hands up as if he’s been presented with a bomb and backs up. The burly looking guy looks at Derek then at Casey. ‘What’s up D?’ He asks, confused and suddenly Casey snaps back into place, like she was set askew for the past few months.

 

‘Der- _ek_.’ His name falls naturally from her lips as she marches into the room and points her finger at him. ‘What the hell did you do to your face?’

 

He almost looks panicked before responding. ‘Well Case, I know you think my physical prowess is out of this world but _I_ didn’t do this to my face.’

 

She puts a hand on his cheek, examining his injuries. He takes a step back, crossing his arms (this is his line, she is not allowed to cross, even though it wasn’t that long ago they crossed that line together).

 

A throat is cleared from somewhere behind her and she whips around. ‘Wanna fill me in?’ Derek shrugs. ‘She’s no one.’

 

Casey looks back at him, making a face before plastering on a smile and stretching out a hand to the very confused large man. ‘I’m Casey. Derek’s stepsister.’

 

His eyes widen in surprised before he smiles back. ‘Ari. Derek’s roommate.’ He takes her hand in both of his and presses a kiss to it. Derek makes a gagging sound and Casey blurts out ‘I have a boyfriend!’ She turns around to Derek and repeats, ‘I have a boyfriend.’

 

Derek gives her a look but it’s hard to tell what it means with his face out of order. ‘Yeah, we’re still in the process of trying to figure out what went wrong in his life that he would want to date you.’

 

She doesn’t respond.

 

Instead she spends the rest of the day fussing over the cleanliness of the room, doing laundry and complaining to Derek about everything he’s done wrong since he left home. He watches her with amusement, almost pleased at how she spins like a top around him. She doesn’t realize how much it bothers her until she has a moment to herself.

 

Jesse calls and she ducks into the hallway, hoping for some privacy. His voice is soothing and she feels the tension melt off of her. She tells him about the drive, about trying to get into the building. ‘Well, how is he?’

 

She hadn’t realized she had been dancing around the subject. ‘Oh Derek? He’s his usual jerk self.’ She fiddles with the hem of her shirt, biting her lip. Jesse sighs and she takes it as her go ahead, launching into a rant about how dirty he is, how he hasn’t even bothered to take the plastic wrap off his textbooks, how his hockey gear stinks to high heaven.

 

He tries to interrupt her somewhere around ‘and he has every female in a five mile radius fawning over him’ with ‘Hey, Casey?’ She catches up to where he’s at eventually and shuts up. ‘Oh god, I’m sorry.’ She rubs her forehead and she can just feel the wrinkles forming.

 

‘It’s okay, baby. Why don’t you just go to your hotel and relax, take a bath or something.’ She frowns as if he can see her (she would never take a bath in a hotel, she won’t stew in some stranger’s filth). She knows he’s trying though and it softens her face. ‘I think I will. I’ll call you tomorrow.’

 

She comes back in. Derek is sitting on his bed, on his laptop and the light from the screen creates unsettling shadows on his face. He has his headphones in and pretends to act shocked when she plucks them off his head. ‘Oh you hadn’t left yet? Nora paying you overtime for staying past sunset? You can change my bedpan if you’d like.’

 

She rolls her eyes. ‘I need to check my email.’ He looks at her with a blank expression. ‘I left my laptop in New York so don’t be such a jerk.’

 

He looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘Um, how about no.’

 

She thinks of all the times he’s held things over her, literally made her beg and she feels a rush of anger. ‘After everything I did for you, drove all this way for you.’ He doesn’t move and she yanks the laptop away from him.

 

‘Hey, wait!’ He lunges for her but she’s too fast.

 

She goes to sit on the couch and switches out from itunes to open up the browser. It’s open on a familiar page, the studio. Specifically the page where they upload clips of performances (specifically the only clip that features her, for ten seconds at 5:43, it’s paused at 5:51). She looks up at Derek and his hand is rubbing the back of his neck in that way he always does when he’s uncomfortable. She blinks a couple times then proceeds to check her email. ‘Um, looks like I have to be back for tomorrow morning. Work you know.’ She says to no one in particular. ‘So I have to go.’ She gets up looks around for her bag before realizing it’s by the door and leaves in a rush.

 

She drives back that night (almost gets stopped at the border for sheer exhaustion). Jesse opens the door in confusion but when she falls into his arms, he holds her tight. He doesn’t ask and she never tells. And when Lizzie tells her the truth about the broken nose (he just randomly picked a fight with the biggest guy on his own team) she doesn’t think about it. She also stops obsessively watching that clip of herself (it feels too intimate now).

 

* * *

 

The last call comes from Marti.

 

It’s April and Casey can finally see why people love New York. The snow is melting and the flowers are blooming and it’s sheer romance. Work has become only more intense and even though the city is coming alive, she can barely enjoy it from all the rehearsals.

 

She’s in the studio, alone, when she hears the familiar opening notes to the Swan Lake theme and rushes to her bag to answer her phone. ‘Hello?’

 

‘Heeeey Casey.’ Marti’s voice comes from the other end and Casey slides down the wall to sit on the wood floor. ‘I have some news.’ Marti cuts straight to the point (small talk was never her thing anyway). ‘Derek is flying to Vancouver to propose to Sally.’

 

All of a sudden, Casey is glad she’s sitting. ‘Sally?’ Sally, all blonde hair and green eyes. And suddenly all Casey can think about is a summer where Derek’s never home and when he is, he’s smiling like an idiot and smelling of Rose Blush (she accidentally discovers what Sally’s perfume exactly is when she’s looking for something new at the drug store and it almost makes her sick). She thinks of the opposite game and the weird feeling she got at the idea of Derek dropping out of high school to move out west for a girl, for the girl.

 

’Yeah, anyways I thought you should know, considering…’ Casey doesn’t respond this time and Marti doesn’t seem the least bit deterred. ‘And I hope you’re still coming to my birthday party next weekend. I’m expecting something epic from New York.’ Casey gives a noise of affirmation and they say their goodbyes.

 

She doesn’t go back to Jesse’s that night. Instead she wanders around the city like she isn’t deathly afraid of the dark in this new place. She thinks about denial and a dog that stands in place of a girl. She thinks about stir fry and about a song that she sings because she has the better voice (she hates how many memories she has of their relationship but doesn’t bother to wonder why that is).

 

She leaves him a voicemail. It’s long and rambly and she doesn’t say anything in particular, just about life in New York and Jesse and dancing. She hopes he deletes it before he can listen to it because she’s scared her voice is going to betray something she doesn’t want to acknowledge (he always knew her the best out of anyone).

 

* * *

 

They see each other at Marti’s birthday. Jesse comes with her and the family greets him warmly. Casey still feels like she’s traveling back in time, like she’s back to being fifteen and fighting for every scrap she can get. The feeling really starts to settle in when she goes back to her old room and sees his door closed.

 

She knocks and then opens it (old habits die hard) and it’s eerie. His hair is back to red brown, worn long like back in high school. He’s lying on his bed, reading a magazine and he doesn’t even bother to look at her, he just tells her to get out. It’s so familiar that it leaves a tight feeling in her chest. Instead she sits on his bed. ‘You got rid of the mall goth look.’ She comments and reaches over to ruffle his hair. He finally looks up at her and scowls.

 

His nose is healed and she feels a sense of relief (the Fridge pops into her mind and ‘don’t start the violence’). ‘I didn’t hear any complaints before.’ She winces, it’s the first time either of them has brought up what happened on vacation. That was before, this is after.

 

‘Momentary lapse in judgment induced by heat.’ She replies, sitting up straighter. Can they not do this now, here. She can hear Lizzie laughing at something Jesse said downstairs and she itches to close the door (seal them up away from everyone else). ‘How was Vancouver?’ She eyes him, half hoping to catch him off guard. His attention is back on his magazine and he shrugs.

 

She presses on. ‘Marti told me and since I haven’t seen Sally I guess she said…’ Derek looks up at her now and his eyes are dark. ‘Casey, get out. Now.’ And like a mechanical toy she stands up straight and walks out. She thought it would feel like a victory but it just feels like she’s being shut out.

 

* * *

 

Somehow they’re stuck cleaning the dishes together after throwing cake at one another (it’s not her fault he made a totally inappropriate comment that deserved buttercream to the face). Marti rolled her eyes and stormed off to her room, muttering something about universes.

 

So they stand in the kitchen, her washing and him drying if she reminds him to. ‘I’m coming to Queens after the summer.’ She tells him quietly. He doesn’t respond, just haphazardly wipes the dishes and stacks them into a pile. ‘I’ll be in Kingston.’ She says, slowly as if he can’t connect the dots.

 

‘What’s the difference?’ He asks (same difference). ‘I’m not planning on showing you around like an obedient big brother.’

 

She exhales loudly, dropping the sponge into the sink and going to wipe her hands. ‘Okay, okay.’ Maybe it’s an admission of defeat but when she’s turning around to leave the kitchen he grabs her arm, pulling her closer until he can rest his forehead against her shoulder. She stares straight ahead, spine straight like an iron rod. His breath is warm against her skin and she squeezes her eyes shut.After a few seconds (or maybe minutes, hours, ages) he lets her go like nothing ever happened.

 

* * *

 

They break up. ‘I always knew there was an expiry date on our relationship.’ He says to her so earnestly that she can’t bring herself to find fault with it. They take a cab to the airport and he kisses her soft and gentle, then long and hard.

 

When she gets off the plane in Toronto, everyone is there. Lizzie whispers ‘I’m so glad you’re home’ and Marti starts looting around for a present. Nora pulls her close and Simon babbles incoherently into her ear. Edwin looks at her then leaps into her arms for a hug saying ‘aw what the heck.’ And Casey feels like she stepped back into the before.

 

Derek stands in the background, looking moody and glum but Casey doesn’t care and breaks his no hug rule (that rule is the least of what they’ve broken). He doesn’t hug her back but when she pulls away his expression has changed, that familiar smirk back on his face. ‘Hey froshie.’He teases and she punches his shoulder.

 

So maybe it’s not exactly before but it’s not after either. Sometimes things don’t fit so neatly into categories, black and white, right and wrong, brother and stranger.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gets a job waiting at some café (it’s a step above Smelly Nelly’s but not so much that Casey can’t get away with taking up a table and studying there almost every night). Derek tells her that he won’t get her a job there so don’t even bother asking (she tells him she would rather chew her right arm off than work at the same place as him again). He brings her tea without her having to ask for it though and she thinks that’s some kind of progress (that and he always walks her back to her dorm after closing).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been doing a rewatch of the series as i write this but haven't finished so my memories of certain episodes might be off base. i generally try to work with canon as much as possible so any mistakes are now me taking creative liberties. also, thank you for reading and all the feedback and kudos and such!

They don’t see each other at all for the first month that they’re at Queens (this is her real before and after but she’s not sure she wants to be without him). Casey does what she does best, throws herself totally into everything she’s a part of and disappears.

 

They see each other for the first time at a pub night, her with her roommate (a particularly homesick girl from Ottawa named Riley) and him with a pack of hockey teammates. She sees him and waves (she vaguely remembers telling him to ignore her on the quad). He sees her and uses his hand to shield his eyes, trying to sneak by but that only eggs her on more.

 

She grabs Riley’s hand and pulls her over. She recognizes Ari who breaks into that almost creepy smile and takes her under his arm. ‘Casey! Look who it is guys!’ None of the others have ever met her before. Derek is looking at the ceiling like it contains the secrets of the universe.

 

She manages to wrangle herself away from the rowdy group of guys (leaving poor Riley as a sacrifice, but she’ll talk her through a bad breakup with a boy back in Ottawa and that’ll make her feel a bit better about that). ‘Hey.’ She bumps her shoulder with his.

 

He looks at her and squints, as if he can’t make out her face. ‘I’m sorry, do we know each other?’ She makes a face before he shrugs in defeat (what an easy victory).

 

They don’t talk for a bit, just look up at the stage located at the back of the bar. There’s a guy up there who’s fiddling with a microphone stand, looking out to the crowd with an almost desperate look on his face as the stand collapses. Derek leans over to her, his hair brushing her temple. ‘Karaoke night.’

 

Casey’s face lights up and he shakes his head. ‘No way.’ She ignores him, making her way to the front and flipping through the song book before finding what she’s looking for. She signs up and notices that list is pathetically short but figures after a couple drinks it won’t matter.

 

She makes her way back to Riley, ignoring Derek completely and pulls her to get a drink. By the time it’s her turn, she’s buzzed on the pint she downed and the guys are cheering her on.

 

She gets on stage and takes a bow, then takes the mic from the stand that’s about the same height as her knee. The opening notes start and she tries to find Derek in the crowd. Eventually she finds him, standing by the back and watching her with his arms crossed. She looks directly at him and begins to sing.

 

* * *

 

‘Abba, you fucking picked Abba.’ Derek is having a minor meltdown as they walk back to her dorm. ‘And it’s ‘Take a Chance on Me’ so great job on making every guy in that bar think you’re desperate as hell.’

 

Casey rolls her eyes. ‘Oh, so that’s why I got so many free drinks.’ She kicks at a rock and watches it skip ahead of her. When she reaches it again, she gives another kick. She can feel Derek’s gaze on her and this time she doesn’t want to meet it. ‘Stop looking at me like that.’

 

He moves in front of her and stops, forcing her to stop to avoid colliding into him (Klutzilla who?). He leans down a little and presses his forehead against hers, she can’t look away now. ‘Like what?’ He asks, his voice teasing. His nose bumps awkwardly against hers and she can see specks of gold in his brown eyes (she’s worse than those novels she hid away in her room). She can smell beer on his breath and twists but he mirrors her movements perfectly.

 

She’ll blame it on the alcohol in a totally cliche attempt to save her last shred of dignity. It seems like all these instances involve her common sense being compromised (that’s what she tells herself anyway). So she meets his mouth with hers and kisses him. It’s like she’s been waiting to exhale (like that movie she and Emily love) because she feels her shoulders relax.

 

There’s a split second where she almost ends up in panic mode because he doesn’t do anything (has she been reading the signals all wrong?) then he wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her against him. It’s messy (they have to stop after she bites his lip hard enough to draw blood) and they’re standing in the middle of the street so anyone can see them (but it’s not London and no one cares) but Casey feels better, satisfied like an itch she hadn’t even realized needed to be scratched until it was.

 

Derek sucks on his bottom lip, trying to draw the blood out. She touches it with her thumb and sheepishly apologizes. He shakes his head. ‘Just say that the song wasn’t your idea of some big romantic gesture.’ She grins and flips her hair. ‘It worked didn’t it?’

 

* * *

 

She goes to all his games, well all the at homes games at least (she’s not turned into a total groupie). She wears these big sunglasses and sometimes people give her a strange look because she refuses to take them off. Sometimes she brings a book, other times she doesn’t even pretend to not be paying attention.

 

One time she doesn’t go (Riley catches a nasty cold which she generously shares with Casey). He calls her after and she’s so zoinked out on cold medication that she doesn’t hear it. Instead she listens to the voicemail in the morning.

 

‘Hey Bug’s Life, where were you last night?’ She looks at the sunglass on her nightstand (okay, maybe they do make her look like a fly). ‘I started and everything, so I thought you would be my back up proof in case no one believes me.’ It’s not like Derek to make a joke at his own expense and Casey feels supremely guilty now (he doesn’t start until half way into his second year and yes, it is a major sore spot for him). ‘But maybe you really are my bad luck charm so stay away.’ She can hear him snap his phone shut as the voicemail ends.

 

He doesn’t mean it and she goes to the next game. She sits in the stands, clutching her jacket tightly (the nose breaking incident of first year is still very much in her mind). She gets a new pair of sunglasses, classic Ray Bans, but then he starts calling her Corey Hart. She’ll ditch them by the end of her first year after a girl from her Modern Canadian Literature class recognizes her anyway (turns out that no one else is as absorbed into Derek and Casey’s drama as they are).

 

* * *

 

He gets a job waiting at some café (it’s a step above Smelly Nelly’s but not so much that Casey can’t get away with taking up a table and studying there almost every night). Derek tells her that he won’t get her a job there so don’t even bother asking (she tells him she would rather chew her right arm off than work at the same place as him again). He brings her tea without her having to ask for it though and she thinks that’s some kind of progress (that and he always walks her back to her dorm after closing).

 

She makes extra money through tutoring, mostly his hockey teammates (one day she comes into the café to find Derek having a hushed conversation with one of them and even though she tries her best to eavesdrop she just hears him say, pleading almost, ‘come on man, she’s my stepsister, don’t be weird’).

 

It’s good money, they mostly come from well off families who all think their sons are NHL draft material and are willing to spend the cash to get them to maintain that C+ average to keep them on the team.

 

One night, she’s in the library when she hears someone call Venturi, way too loud to be acceptable. She looks up (confused as to why Derek would ever be caught dead in a library) when one of his teammates (a bearded guy named Liam who has a fake front tooth he likes to take out at parties) slides into the seat next to her. ‘I’m sorry?’ She asks him confused.

 

He shots her a grin. ‘What’s up?’ He whispers now, like he finally gets where he is.

 

She looks at him confused and a little annoyed (she was very much in a studying groove and does not appreciate being interrupted). ‘Um, nothing.’ She responds, adjusting the books on the desk in front of her and hoping he takes the message. ‘And my name isn’t Venturi.’ That has to be squashed more than she needs to get back to dissecting the meaning of Alice Munro’s Lives of Girls and Women.

 

He looks at her confused. ‘Wait, aren’t you D’s sister though?’

 

She makes a face without even thinking. ’No, step.’ His look doesn’t change. ‘Step-sister, I’m not related to him. My mom married his dad when we were fifteen’

 

He snaps and points at her like she’s just cracked a code. ‘Oh okay, cool.’ He looks around like he’s just realized he’s in the library, as if he just teleported there. ‘Well, it was nice seeing you Casey…’

 

She takes a deep breath. ‘McDonald.’ She pauses then adds, ‘no relation to Derek, at all.’ She feels a little stupid emphasizing that so much (the lady doth protest too much) but Liam seems like the type of guy who needs it spelled out for him.

 

He nods, repeating her last name to her, then gets up and winks before he leaves. It’s after that that she stops introducing Derek as anything other than Derek. Most people don’t care enough to ask for background details and she’s greatly relieved.

 

* * *

 

‘This is such an epically bad idea.’ Casey ducks down and hides her face behind her program as she watches Amanda and Ralph pass by.

 

Derek just laughs at her. ‘You’re right, I should have brought Veronica from my poli sci class.’ Then he leans in. ‘At least I know she’d put out.’

 

Casey can’t even help herself, smacking his shoulder. ‘Der- _ek_!’ He shrugs and turns back to watch the happy couple kiss to cheers from the guests. ‘I just think I wasn’t invited for a reason, and we should have respected that reason.’ He doesn’t respond, just lifts his wine glass and whoops as they kiss again.

 

Casey huffs and sit back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest when she sees a familiar head bobbing through the crowd and making a beeline for the table. ‘Emily!’ She gets up and her friend sees her, a giant smile breaking out on her face. They hug and Casey feels a pull at the bottom of her stomach. There were phone calls for the first few months after graduation but then Jesse and dance and university. She wishes she had tried more (but that feeling fades when she looks back at Derek).

 

Emily links her arm through Casey’s and dumps the shawl she’s wearing onto a chair. ‘Let’s go get a drink.’ They wade through the crowd towards where the bar is set up.

 

Emily makes a disgusted face. ‘Cash bar, can you believe it?’ She slaps down a twenty before Casey can even look into her clutch and puts a hand over hers. ‘I got this.’ It feels like an apology of sorts and that gut feeling comes back (maybe Emily wasn’t the perfect friend but she was a friend, her only friend sometimes).

 

Casey takes her drink and lifts it up in a mock toast to Emily. ‘Thanks.’ She wraps her arm around her shoulders to give a one-armed hug.

 

Emily turns to her and gives that look she gets when she’s ready to get some juicy information. ‘So, I didn’t think you’d be invited. No offence.’ Casey makes a pained face, trying so hard to forget Ralph’s high school crush (brief but enough to make Amanda hold a grudge).

 

She shrugs and looks back at their table. ‘I wasn’t invited, I’m Derek’s plus one.’ She looks back at Emily who has her eyebrows raised. Suddenly, she wants nothing more than to leave (‘I’m sorry I’m kind of seeing the guy you’ve been in love with since you were kids and I’m sorry he’s also my stepbrother’).

 

But suddenly she hears a familiar voice and she can’t stop herself from cringing. ‘Hey babe. Babe!’ And then she sees him. Sheldon looks like he was sprinting across the tackily decorated Holiday Inn London ballroom to get to Emily. He takes a deep breath before he kisses her cheek. ‘Oh hey Casey. Didn’t think you’d be here.’ Casey forces a smile on her face. He doesn’t seem bothered by her presence and turns to Emily. ‘Took me awhile but I found the bathroom and I’m ready to boogie!’

 

She doesn’t see even a flicker of embarrassment cross Emily’s face who just smiles and points him in the direction of the table. ‘Go, wait, I’m talking here.’ She says it with so much affection that Casey feels whatever residual annoyance she has toward Sheldon (how dare he move to Newfoundland and leave Emily brokenhearted) lift entirely.

 

‘So you and Sheldon.’ Now it’s Casey turn to mine for information (completely relieved she doesn’t have to explain why she said yes to being Derek’s plus one).

 

Emily is seemingly lost in thought as she watches Sheldon make his way to the table where Derek is looking into his empty wine glass like a dog who doesn’t understand the idea of object permanence.

 

She turns back to Casey with a pleased look on her face. ‘He came back for me.’ She leans in, as if this is some great secret. ‘We’d been emailing back and forth after he moved and after…’ She pauses, not sure how to broach the awkward subject hanging over them (Casey will realize just how much Derek hung over her and everyone she came into contact).

 

She nods, letting Emily know that they don’t have to talk about it (the break up, the Emily and Derek break up), to which she seems relieved. ‘Well, he’s at U of T too and we started hanging out again.’ She takes a look down at her glass and smiles, almost shy. ‘He really loves me.’ There’s a pause and Casey realizes she’s holding her breath. ‘I really love him too. I just think that maybe everyone that came after was just a placeholder for him.’

 

She exhales, realizing that her knuckles are turning white from the iron grip she has on her clutch (she tucks it under her arm to pull Emily close even though her fingers are numb). ‘Em, I’m so happy for you, seriously.’ Emily waves her hand in front of her face with eyes that are clearly wet with tears. ‘God, weddings really bring out the emotions, don’t they.’ The girls stay close as they walk back to their table, and Casey sighs as she sees Sheldon press a kiss to Emily’s shoulder when she sits down.

 

Derek scoffs at the display but rests his arm on the back of her chair, fingertips brushing her spine up and down the open back of her dress (she gets goose bumps but doesn’t pull on her shawl).

 

* * *

 

‘Der- _ek_!’ He makes a cutting gesture with his hand against his neck, mouthing ‘I can’t hear you’ through the window of the Prince. She yanks on the door handle but it’s locked. She leans in and cups her hands around her eyes to get a look inside. ‘Ralph!’ She starts banging on the window before she hears the click of a door being unlocked.

 

She opens the door to the back seat as she hears Derek yell at Sam. ‘What the fuck, dude!’ Then he turns from his spot in the driver’s seat and looks at Casey. ‘Shut the door, shut the fucking door!’ She slams the door behind her and coughs. Her eyes water and she truly can’t believe this is happening.

 

‘Ralph, you’re hotboxing the Prince on your wedding night?’ She asks, offended on Amanda’s behalf. Ralph looks back at her quizzically, like she’s speaking a different language.

 

Derek looks at her in the rearview mirror. ‘Chill, Case. It’s not a big deal.’ He knows her hot buttons so well (well enough that he manages to dodge her grasp as she tries to grab his neck from her spot behind him). ‘I’ll show you a big deal.’ She says through gritted teeth.

 

Ralph seems to have caught up to the rest of them and breaks out into a big smile. ‘Hey guys, check it, it’s a D-Rock reunion in here.’ He laughs and Sam sighs from the backseat beside Casey.

 

Derek looks at him. ‘No, Casey was never part of D-Rock.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘ A guest appearance does not make her part of the band.’ He closes his eyes and leans back against the seat.

 

‘Well I think she was part of the band.’ Sam says and Casey shots him a grateful look. He looks back at her with a smile and she appreciates the attempt to get out from under Derek’s thumb (although she also hears herself saying ‘like it’s so threatening that I would like your best friend’ and feels a little sick but that could also be the weed).

 

‘Sam, shut up.’ There’s a tension in the car now and Casey hates it.

 

She feels like she’s fifteen again and Derek is trying to set the rules of the house. He’s always run the show and it enrages her. She feels that white hot feeling creep up her spine (the one his light touch has sent sparks up earlier in the night). He gets under her skin like no one else and she feels like she’ll never get him out (she tried to run didn’t she?).

 

She sits up straighter and contemplates getting out and leaving the door wide open (she really should because she’s going to stink if she doesn’t get out ASAP).

 

‘How are we going to get home?’ She asks, although it’s not exactly addressed to Derek. Agreeing to come is another addition to her list of dumb decisions (she hates how every single one comes back to him somehow).

 

He answers anyway, meeting her eyes in the rearview mirror again. ‘We can just get a room.’ It’s weirdly suggestive, although neither Ralph nor Sam seem to register it.

 

‘Or I can get a cab.’ She says, thoroughly annoyed now. She gets out (but has the decency to slam the door behind her) and hears Ralph’s voice, dulled from inside the car, go ‘dude, that was Casey, your stepsister!’

 

Casey does take that cab (and she sprays herself with so much perfume that the driver has all four windows down the entire ride).

 

She comes home in the middle of the night, toeing off her shoes at the bottom of the stairs and collapses into her bed.

 

(Derek doesn’t come home that night but stumbles into her room in the early hours of the morning when the sunlight is painting her room with an orange glow and kneels by her bed, pressing his head to her stomach and she can feel his mouth move against the patch of skin between her underwear and where her dress has been pulled up by her tossing and turning and she doesn’t want him to apologize with words but he can use his mouth and she squeezes her eyes shut so she doesn’t have to see that they’re in her room in the house they shared with their family and arches her back and like he can read her mind, he trails kisses down, yanking her underwear down as he goes and she twists her head so when she comes, his name is muffled by her pillow).

 

* * *

 

She spends the summer in Kingston, cramming in as many credits as she can so she can graduate in three years (there’s no way in hell Derek is graduating before her).

 

He gets into a hockey camp in Quebec, a big deal that they go out and celebrate. Casey indulges him completely and gets drunk (he loves drunk Casey). They go out with all their friends (figures they would only learn to share as adults) and Casey attempts to dance on a table before everyone gets kicked out of the bar by the bouncer. She tries to fight him but Derek grabs her by the waist and pulls her away.

 

They pass other groups of drunk university students on their way back to someone’s dorm (unclear as to whose but it doesn’t matter). Casey flips her hair wildly back and forth, getting anyone standing too close to her in the eye. She can hear Derek laughing and it seems to give her courage. She does a cartwheel in the empty streets and the guys are whooping while she can hear Riley go ‘woah’.

 

Derek comes up behind her and pulls her back onto the sidewalk. ‘Come on, show off.’ He murmurs into her ear and she just turns her head to look at him.

 

‘I’m proud of you, you know.’ She tells him plainly, feeling affectionate and warm. ‘You’re so talented.’ He looks at her like he’s never seen her before and takes a step back. ‘Um, okay.’

 

But she can’t help the sincerity in her voice. ‘And you’re smart, you know that right?’ She’s feeling the words come up and can’t stop them. ‘I always knew you were smart.’ She sees the confused look on his face then holds up a finger as if to stop him from saying something (he wasn’t going to anyway). ‘You just didn’t try and that drove me crazy.’ He doesn’t say anything so she continues. ‘See what happens when you try, when you give a fuck.’ She reaches out, trying to take his hand and he pulls it away like he’s been burned.

 

Ari steps in between them. ‘No more feel good family moments you two losers.’ He takes Derek by the shoulders and pulls him away. Suddenly Casey feels sick and barely makes it to the trashcan up the street before she spills her guts (she hates drunk Casey).

 

Riley comes up behind her and rubs her back. ‘Maybe it’s time to get back to our place.’ Casey nods dumbly and lets the other girl guide her back to the safety of their room.

 

(He leaves a day early for hockey camp so when she comes to see him off, Ari tells her that he’s already gone. She sends him a quick email, ‘don’t run away from me. jerk.’)

 

* * *

 

He switches his major from business administration to film studies before his third year. George has a minor meltdown and Derek starts avoiding his calls so Casey picks up the slack.

 

‘I know it’s crazy, George.’ She tries to placate him. ‘I mean, stats is the only course he’s done better than me in!’ He doesn’t let her forget it either (‘oh Space Case, maybe you need me to tutor you’).

 

George exhales loudly and she can tell he’s building into that high pitched panicked rant voice he has when he’s really worried.

 

‘Listen, it’s insane, absolutely batshit, but I think that it’s what he wants.’ Her voice is gentle (and empathetic) and it seems to calm George down at least half a notch. ‘You can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do.’

 

George laughs at that. ‘Don’t I know it.’ They stay on the line, silent for a moment. ‘Casey, you’ll keep an eye on him. Make sure he isn’t switching just to coast through university?’

 

She feels a flicker of annoyance, not that he’s asking her to watch out for Derek, but for thinking he would do something like that. The switch isn’t exactly something he consulted her on but she saw how into it he was with the film courses he did take.

 

She doesn’t push the subject though and just agrees like a dutiful step-daughter. ‘Casey, thank you. I know you wanted to live your own life after high school but we all appreciate how great you’ve been with Derek. It’s very mature of you.’ She can’t figure out how to respond to that (‘mature is one way you could classify our recent activities’). Instead she just says ‘no problem’ and they say their goodbyes.

 

* * *

 

They’re lying in her cramped twin bed in the basement apartment she shares with two other girls (Riley has long since moved back to Ottawa, too homesick to function at times). She should be basking in post orgasm bliss, having taken advantage of having the place to herself but instead she’s lying on her stomach, arms propping her up, chewing on her bottom lip and examining the chipped french manicure on her nails as she works up the courage to ask what she’s needed to know for years.

 

‘I need to know something.’ She tilts her head down so her hair covers her face like a curtain. His eyes are closed, arms behind his head with a ghost of a smile on his face and she suddenly feels annoyed at his stance, like he’s so proud of himself (for fucking her). ‘When you went to Vancouver, that year I was in New York.’ She pauses and she can see his face change through the strands of her hair. ‘What happened, with Sally?’

 

He groans and sits up. She rolls onto her side and looks at him, at his back. She can see the muscles move beneath his skin (she can see the marks her nails have left). He’s only gotten stronger throughout the years at university (scrappy isn’t the word she would use, not that she ever did). He runs his hand through his hair and sighs. ‘I’m not talking about this.’

 

Casey starts to feel desperate, like he’s pulling away from her but she presses on because she needs to know. ‘Did you really ask her to marry you?’ She sits up so she’s next to him but he looks away. Her voice starts to break. ‘Did she say no?’ She tried to ask him this before, when they were in his room, in London.

 

He gets up and starts to get dressed, pulling up his pants and she feels that familiar out of control feeling she gets sometimes. She gets up and takes his hands in hers. ‘Please Derek, I need to know.’ He looks at her and pulls his hands away.

 

He sits on her bed and she knows better than to sit next to him so she kneels in front of him, on the floor. She puts her hands on his knees and looks up at him. No one says anything for a long while and Casey feels a lump form in her throat.

 

‘I really did love her, okay? She wasn’t just some cheap imitation of you.’ He says and she moves her hands up and down his thighs, encouraging him to keep going. ‘It was stupid. I asked, she said no and I felt relieved okay?’ He looks at her now and Casey can’t say anything. So he takes a deep breath and gets up, pulls on his shirt and leaves.

 

Casey crawls back into her bed and she doesn’t cry (not even a little).

 

* * *

 

The summers are when she writes her poetry. Two summers really. The second summer he goes back to London (they say absence makes the heart grow fonder but Casey doesn’t think she has any fondness for him).

 

Marti calls her during the last few weeks before their final year at Queens. (Casey worked her butt off to get enough credits to graduate with Derek). And Marti’s now reaching those beautiful teen years that make her a holy terror and Casey is only sad she isn’t there to see it.

 

‘Can you take him back please?’ Their conversations don’t start with hellos or pleasantries. Marti has now progressed to the point that manners aren’t really vibing with her identity (she can almost hear it word for word in Derek’s voice). ‘He’s so annoying.’

 

Casey tries to stifle a laugh unsuccessfully. ‘I’m glad you caught up with where I’m at.’ She can hear the younger girl scoff through the line. It makes her a little homesick. The quietness of campus during the summer is unsettling, especially when she remembers the noise and chaos of the house back in London.

 

Marti takes a deep breath. ‘Listen, all he does is pace through the house. It’s creepy. I told him to get a job, and a life, but he’s kind of like a ghost.’ She can hear some rustling in the background and a door slam. ‘He’s also way too into my business right now.’

 

There’s a whoosh sound and like something’s snapping, maybe a branch. Marti lets out a ‘shit’ and Casey sits up, really paying attention now. ‘What are you doing?’

 

There’s a beat, then two. ‘Okay well it’s not like you can do anything about it but I’m sneaking out.’ Casey opens her mouth to scold her then remembers doing something similar without very good results when she was only a little older than Marti.

 

‘I don’t usually have to go all ninja but he actually wanted to come with me to a party last night. ’ She whines a little and then gives her patented ‘Ca-sey’ that she knows works like a charm. ‘My cool rep hangs in the balance. I have to sneak out, I have no choice. Oh wait, Wes is here.’

 

‘Wait who’s-‘ She hangs up before Casey can even finish.

 

Despite Marti’s entirely effective pleas, Casey doesn’t have to say or do anything. Derek comes back early but claims it’s because he’s moving into a townhouse with a couple other guys and their landlord demanded that they do it before school starts.

 

Casey shows up and helps unpack, organizing everything neatly (which stays that way for about two seconds before the boy all start moving it around). She makes Derek take her out for coffee (they bicker the whole time about whether coffee is meant to be drank black or doused with cream and sugar) and yeah, things are going to be okay.

 

* * *

 

Their last year of university is a whirlwind. Casey writes the LSAT and Derek picks her up after. She cries in the car, convinced she failed. He rubs her back and buys her that soy ice cream she likes so much. She gets a 176 and okay, it’s not the perfect 180 but it’s good enough to get her into every law school she applies for.

 

Derek applies to grad school, Casey helps him with the applications although they don’t talk about it. He refuses to acknowledge that any of it is happening.

 

She finds the letter from NYU on his kitchen table, unopened, when she’s come to retrieve her favourite bra which had been unceremoniously chucked under his bed the night before (the walk of shame she did, braless in his sweatshirt, lived up to the shameful part completely).

 

‘What’s this?’ She waves the letter in front of him and he looks at her, annoyed. He tries to snatch it out of her hand but she’s fast (years of practice) and weighs in her hand. ‘Pretty hefty.’ She looks thoughtfully at it before ripping it open. He cries out in pain as if he’s telepathically linked to the envelope.

 

She scans it quickly and grins widely. ‘Mr. Venturi, we are pleased to offer you acceptance to the Kanbar Institute of Film and Television at New York University for a Masters of Fine Arts.’ She jumps up and down and lets out a high pitched sound, which makes Derek cover his ears with his hands.

 

‘Hey Case, only dogs can hear you now.’ She jumps into his arms and he catches her (it’s like a movie but definitely not a movie he’d make). She kisses him full on and he seems to forget to be annoyed.

 

She pulls away and smiles at him. ‘You’re going.’ He shrugs but there’s a smile on his face. ‘I guess.’ He puts her down and she gets starry eyed.

 

‘You at NYU and me at Columbia.’ He raises her eyebrows at her. ‘So you’re picking Columbia?’ She shrugs, suddenly shy (she didn’t mean to show her hand quite like this). ‘Yeah well, it’s not Ontario. Or even Canada.’ And he gets it but doesn’t say anything, just hooks his fingers through her belt loops and pulls her to his room (she doesn’t get her bra back).

 

* * *

 

She feels a little wrong going back to New York, going back to where she fell in love with Jesse but all her memories are somehow filtered through her Derek lens. He paints everything with this red hue and she can’t help it.

 

They tell the family when they’re home for Christmas and it feels like telling them they’re going to Queens all over again. Marti has this look on her face like she just won a million bucks (when Casey sees Edwin giving Marti a twenty dollar bill she doesn’t say anything). George and Nora are shocked to say the least and Simon just seems confused.

 

‘We thought that you two wanted to get away from each other.’ Casey looks at Derek who just shrugs. ‘Case just can’t get enough of me I guess.’ This time she lands a swift kick at his knee and he smiles through the pain.

 

After dinner, George corners Casey in the kitchen and wraps her into a big hug. ‘I always knew you could do it kiddo.’ When he pulls away, she can see tears in his eyes. He turns away and wipes at his face with a dish towel. He tosses it away in disgust when he realizes that it’s dirty and turns back to Casey. She smiles and lets him pull her into another hug.

 

Derek rolls his eyes from his spot in his recliner when they finally both come back into the living room. ‘Gee, why don’t you make it obvious who your favourite is.’ George just shakes his head and puts his hand on his shoulder, squeezing.

 

Casey thinks she’d like to bottle this feeling up, keep it locked away like a favourite perfume that she wants to save for special occasions (because it feels like everything is so simple and she can’t seem to remember how complicated everything actually is, that can realization can wait).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is watching the whole scene unfold from her spot on the couch. ‘Wow, you guys really are like a greek tragedy.’ Casey sighs and falls back beside her. ‘No, if we were a greek tragedy we’d really be related.’ She pauses as if to think. ‘And someone would have killed themselves by now.' She makes a face. 'Probably me.’

She finds a shitty studio apartment in Brooklyn. The wallpaper is peeling, the bathroom tile has suspicious black outlines that the landlord claims are a design feature and the a/c unit has a habit of acting up.

 

They drive to New York the day after graduation. The night of grad, they make appearances at various parties, saying their goodbyes with anyone familiar they see. But the truth is that she’s itching to get out of there, and he is too.

 

He drives (she’s in a good enough mood to let him take the wheel even though she continues to be the better driver) and she rolls down the window, her hair flying everywhere in the wind. The world whips by and she can see herself in the sideview mirror (looking alien but smiling).

 

When they get to the border and hand over their passports, the border officer asks them what’s they’re going to New York for. Casey leans over Derek so she can look at the gruff looking guard. ‘We’re going to school, me and my boyfriend.’ She leans back into her seat and Derek looks at her (totally impressed and she thinks she could probably survive off that look alone, no need for food or oxygen). He hands back their passports and they pull ahead.

 

She turns around to see Canada disappear behind them and reaches out for his hand, lacing her fingers through his.

 

* * *

 

They explore the city for the first week before classes start. Casey keeps her displays of knowledge to a minimum (Jesse feels like such a distant memory but she can feel Derek tense when she mentions something she remembers from her time here before).

 

They mostly ride the subway. He reads her the signs in a dramatic voice to make her laugh and she kisses the corners of his mouth when no one’s looking. She’s tall enough to reach the poles that run parallel to the ceiling of the cars but holds onto him for support instead.

 

When the car is empty, he wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her close, kissing her (it’s a little sloppy and she laughs but kisses him back anyway). He doesn’t stop when people board (she thinks about his no PDA rule and feels proud that he’s breaking it, with her).

 

They go to Central Park, where he draws the line at touristy things (‘Times Square is a portal to hell, no thanks’). Her dad takes them out to dinner and for some reason she thinks he seems almost relieved. Derek says all the right things and her dad is laughing by the time dessert comes, clapping him on the back. It’s not like they told him that they’re together (living together, again) but she feels like maybe he’d approve.

 

They get back to the apartment late at night. Casey shakes out the butterfly clip she had in her hair and Derek looks at her in the dark, the light of the city streaming in through the window. ‘You’re so beautiful.’ He says quietly and she’s glad he can’t see her blush. ‘It’s annoying.’ She lets out a laugh and rolls her eyes.

 

They make love three times that night (she’ll never use that term out loud in front of him, she knows he would never let her live it down) and she thinks ‘this is the rest of my life.’

 

* * *

 

Law school is a nightmare. Casey bombs all except one of her midterms in first semester, barely passing by. She studies like her life depends on it (it does) but she doesn’t know how to get better. She spends countless hours with her various professors during their office hours (filled with shame and embarrassment at how poorly she’s doing). She cries a lot and when it’s time to go home for Thanksgiving she tells her mother that she can’t go back.

 

Derek offers to stay with her but she begs him to go, knowing that she can’t properly focus with him there. He agrees, reluctant enough to make Casey feel wanted but not so much that she feels guilty. He’s only gone for the weekend, flies out to make the most of the holiday.

 

He calls her when he gets there and she can just imagine him on his bed, backpack thrown haphazardly by his desk, music playing softly on his stereo. ‘The eagle has landed.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘It’s insane here, Marti got her belly button pierced, Edwin’s got that on/off thing with Lydia and Lizzie has a girlfriend and get this, her name’s Jamie. And no, she does not find it funny when you bring up her romance with boy Jamie.’ Casey laughs and thinks she’ll have to call Lizzie and see just how mad she is.

 

There’s a soft silence on the other end and Derek’s voice gets all quiet. ‘I miss you. Is that totally lame?’ She wants to say yes (we’re both lame). Instead she says, ‘You’ll be back soon. It’s only a few days.’ He makes a noise she takes as agreement.

 

She can hear the mattress squeak in the background as he shifts his weight on his bed. ‘You know, while you’re on the line…’ He says suggestively. Casey gasps, completely offended. ‘Der- _ek_ I am not going to have phone sex with you while you’re at the house.’ Then adds for good measure, ‘Or ever!’

 

He sighs as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. ‘Okay, I guess I can keep it together for a few days. But I expect epic payback when I get back.’ He takes a breath. ‘Ooh, you can do that bendy thing that I love.’ Casey rolls her eyes. ‘Goodbye Derek.’ She snaps her phone shut and looks down at her notes and textbooks and feels kind of okay for the first time in awhile.

 

* * *

 

His thesis supervisor helps him get a job as a wedding cinematographer. It’s gruelling work but it pays the bills. Casey somehow gets stuck as the assistant to the director (it’s an unofficial unpaid position). She goes with him to various jobs, both dressed in black pants and crisp white button ups (she irons them both every morning before they head out).

 

A total romantic at heart (what teenage girl tries to get her boyfriend to basically role play Ivanhoe), she feels totally turned off by the institution of marriage at wedding number five. ‘If I have to hear another ‘love is gentle, love is kind’ sermon I might lose my mind.’ She whispers to Derek who struggles to keep his camera steady as he laughs.

 

He doesn’t boss her around as much as he can (she thinks it’s because he knows she’ll leave if he gets on her nerves too much, which she does at wedding number seven) so they actually work together as a pretty good team. It leaves her with a warm fuzzy feeling.

 

At wedding thirteen, she’s packing anyway their equipment as Derek is talking payment with the wedding planner. A bridesmaid approaches her, clad in a fuchsia dress that looks terrible on all the other bridesmaids but she pulls it off.

 

‘Hey.’ She says as she leans against the wall, eyeing Casey (she hates that she’s intimidated). ‘Do you know if he’s single?’ She juts out her chin in the direction of Derek and Casey looks at him before looking back at her.

 

‘Um, no. He has a girlfriend.’ The bridesmaid looks defeated. ‘Oh bummer. He was the hottest guy here.’ She sighs and pushes herself off against the wall to walk away.

 

Later, when Casey’s coming out from the banquet hall and turning around the corner to get to the car, she sees the bridesmaid from before talking to Derek. She’s got her arms crossed right below her breasts (please, like Casey can't see that move from a mile away, she practically invented it) and leaning into him. Casey ducks behind the corner and she can just barely hear them.

 

She hears the bridesmaid say something about changing minds or charging fines, then Derek responds with either there’s a girl I love or I’m a girl in love. She feels her face grow hot and covers it with her hands. She stands there counting to ten until she sees the bridesmaid walk past her, not sparing her a single glance. She comes out from behind the corner and doesn’t say anything, just gets into the car and tells Derek to drive.

 

She calms down during the ride back (well not really, instead of fear she just feels adrenaline). When they finally get back to the apartment and the door closes behind them, she kisses him fiercely and pushes him against the wall. She gets down on her knees and unbuckles his belt (he holds her hair back like a gentleman but lets go when she pulls away to say ‘I love you too’ and groans ‘Case, please’ and she can’t believe she’s actually going to have to remember making the decision to say ‘I love you’ to Derek with his dick in her mouth).

 

* * *

 

Emily calls and asks Casey to come visit her for the weekend and even though she’s swamped with readings, she goes.

 

They’re sitting in a little bistro off Spadina and Casey feels like a tourist when she almost gets off at the wrong streetcar stop (she used to know this city like the back of her hand).

 

They’re seated by the window and she can see people walking their dogs, talking on their cellphones, speaking excitedly to the person walking beside them.

 

‘It’s great isn’t it?’ Emily says, looking out the window too. ‘I was so scared at first, leaving London but the city just has this energy.’ Casey turns to her and smiles. ‘But you would know, you big city thing.’ Emily says teasing, Casey just shrugs and takes a sip of her latte.

 

Casey realizes that Emily hasn’t taken her gloves off and raises an eyebrow at her. The other girl just grins and puts her hands up as if to ward off any questions. ‘Okay, I have news, big news.’ Then she begins to slowly take off the glove on her left hand and Casey thinks absentmindedly ‘wouldn’t it be funny if she had a ring under that glove’ but then she sees the massive rock.

 

Emily holds out her hand for inspection. ‘Sheldon proposed!’ Then they’re both bouncing in their seats, excitedly batting at each other’s hands like they’re in high school again.

 

‘Oh my god, Em, wow, congrats. That’s awesome!’ It is. Casey feels happy (and relieved) that things are working out for her.

 

But then her face grows serious. ‘So listen.’ Emily reaches to take her hand, as if she’s bracing her for bad news. ‘I want you to be one of my bridesmaids.’ She squeezes her hand gently. ‘Now I know you’re busy in New York with law school and Derek and whatever.’

 

Casey doesn’t have a chance to ask why Derek is included in the list of things she’s busy with because Emily is rushing to get all the words out. ‘But I was thinking you would help me plan, we can always video call now and everything.’ She looks at her expectantly and Casey (still stuck on the ‘busy with Derek’ part) nods with a forced smile on her face. ‘Oh great! Thank you, Casey.’

 

Their food comes and as they eat, Casey winces when the diamond on her friend’s hand catches the light, shining directly into her face. When she places her cutlery neatly on her empty plate, Emily clears her throat and she knows the inquisition is starting up. ‘So, how’s New York?’ Casey doesn’t have time to respond before Emily clarifies what she’s really asking. ‘How’s your love life?’

 

Suddenly, Casey is overwhelmed with emotion. She wants to tell her the truth (and now, when she’s basking in post engagement glow is as good a time as any) but she’s scared. So she gives a total cop out answer. ‘New York’s great, law school is crazy but I’m going to summer at my dad’s firm which I’m excited about.’ She’s twisting the cloth napkin that was on her lap every which way, trying to keep her nervous gestures to herself.

 

Emily doesn’t look satisfied one bit and presses on. ‘How’s Derek?’ She asks and it’s pointed, weird and tense.

 

Casey doesn’t know how to respond so she looks out the window again, hoping to see something worthy enough to distract her with. ‘Ooh look at that puppy.’ She points but Emily doesn’t bite. ‘I know you’re together.’ She tells her, point blank.

 

Casey laughs nervously now (she can hear Derek in her head telling her she’s the worst liar known to mankind). ‘What now? We’re not… we aren’t… I mean, I can’t stand him.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘Okay, so we’re kind of living together.’

 

Emily almost spits out her water. ‘Casey, I was totally bluffing. I was thinking that maybe you had finally started to do something about the sexual tension that made it impossible to be around you two but you’re living together? Again?’ She leans back in her chair and takes a deep breath. ‘So it’s the real deal?’

 

Casey shrugs, it’s as real as it can be now. ‘Please don’t say anything to anyone.’ Emily nods. ‘Especially your mom.’ Emily opens her mouth as if to protest before closing it and nodding her head. ‘We haven’t exactly told anyone yet and I don’t know, I don’t want to jinx it or something.’ She looks down at her lap and the napkin that looks like a dog ate it and threw it up. ‘Is that crazy?’

 

Emily sighs. ‘What’s crazy is that it took you this long to even get here.’ Casey looks at her confused. ‘Oh come on, you were there. You knew.’

 

She shakes her head not understanding. ‘You guys are crazy about each other, and I mean it in the good and bad way.’ There’s no trace of resentment in her voice now, just a resignation. ‘I love you Casey, I do, but everyone else always came second to you for Derek.’

 

Casey shifts uncomfortably in her seat, not sure what to do with this information. ‘Whatever, I’m glad you’re working it out now. Saving everyone else the time and trouble.’ Emily smiles and the tension that’s in the air lifts (only slightly). Casey gets her back on track by asking about her wedding plans so far (they don’t talk about Derek again).

 

* * *

 

She teaches ballet classes at a studio down the street from their apartment. Everyday is like summer camp (except Derek isn’t down the hall to save her). She’ll never have a natural rapport with kids, always unsure of how to interact with them (more than once she gets asked what a big word she used means and it feels like failure every time) and she hates how easily it comes to other people (read: Derek).

 

After her junior ballet class has finished, she asks to teach senior ballet instead. Teenagers and young adults, she can manage. Her boss accepts, most instructors feel the opposite way, desperate to get away from the moody and sometimes cruel teens.

 

So one night when Derek’s come to walk her home from work, she lets him come into the class while the girls are getting ready to go home. She ducks out to get to the office to grab the keys to lock up. When she comes back she sees him in the middle of the room, surrounded by her students and flailing around as they try to teach him the moves.

 

Everyone is laughing and smiling and she feels like she’s in high school all over again. There he is, lighting up every room he walks into and it’s like a punch to the gut. She’ll never admit it (not even to Paul or her mother) but she hates him a little bit for the ease he has with people. She tries so damn hard and she can never even muster up an ounce of the charm he has oozing out of him. She hates feeling inadequate and she hates it even more that it’s obvious she’s mad (she snaps at him to stop and get out, he can’t be in there with his normal shoes on even though she was the one who let him in).

 

When the girls are filing out, one comes up to her and smiles all sugar and spice (it’s a smile she’s seen on Kendra a million times before) and says sweetly, ‘Your boyfriend’s fun, you should lighten up.’ Casey looks at her blankly and the younger girl shrugs before heading out the door.

 

They walk home and he tries to hold her hand but she crosses her arms. He looks at her (she can see him from the corner of her eye) and then lets out an annoyed yell. She flinches but doesn’t say anything, preferring to stew in her own jealousy and rage.

 

He grabs her by the shoulders and turns her to face him before they go into their building. ‘Whatever it is, spit it out.’ She looks away, staring at the intercom and seeing their names McDonald/Venturi in the list (they fought over whose name should go first until one day she scribbled it in before she left for class). ‘Case, I know you like to play the ‘guess why I’m mad’ game as some kind of test that everyone’s bound to fail but I don’t play games I can’t win.’ She looks the other way, thinking what a mixed metaphor that was. He waits for her to say something, anything and then takes a deep breath. ’Okay, cool.’ He pushes past her into the building and she’s left standing there.

 

She counts to 100 then goes inside, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. When she opens the door, she can see him lying on the couch with his editing headphones on. She doesn’t bother him but just slips into bed, waiting for him to come join her (he doesn’t). She whispers I’m sorry to his side of the bed anyway.

 

(The next morning she makes him chocolate chip pancakes and when he tells her that he forgives her with his mouth full, she doesn’t fight him or tell him she’s not apologizing because she totally is).

 

* * *

 

She thinks that she would see her dad more considering that she’s actually at his firm for the summer but it’s possible that she sees him less. Her first day there, he promises her that they’ll eat lunch together, that he’ll take her to this wonderful place that he takes all his clients, his treat. She waits in his office for an hour before she pulls out the sandwich she packed (just in case) and eats it carefully (so not to leave any crumbs).

 

She spends a lot of time with the other summer students. A guy named Richard who’s the son of a partner (he seems to think that as products of nepotism they should get along fine) and a girl named Jasmine (who tells Casey she’s convinced she’s a diversity hire one day with a shaky voice, when they’re in the bathroom, fixing their hair and make up in the mirrors). Richard reminds her of someone in the worst ways, arrogant and entitled (it’s Truman, she realizes one day when the three of them are eating lunch, he reminds her of Truman).

 

The work is intense and Casey does what she always does, tries too hard and fails anyway. She screws up the name of a client on a contract and she’s convinced that she’s going to get fired but instead the lawyer overseeing her just gives her a short but stern lecture on the importance of proof reading and double checking. She feels her face turn red and when she leaves his office, she feels everyone’s eyes on her.

 

It doesn’t help that Derek’s gone for the summer, all the way in sunny California, taking a summer course at USC. She calls him everyday at 10pm her time, sneaking out to the bathroom if she’s at the office, or curled up in their bed if she’s managed to escape. He tells her about his classes, how everyone smells like coconut tanning oil and how lame all the hockey teams in California are. She mostly just wants to hear his voice and lets him ramble about whatever he feels like (it feels like the roles have been reversed somehow).

 

Nora and Lizzie offer to come visit her but she tells them not to, that having to entertain them would just put more pressure on her. They don’t sound too disappointed because Derek accepts their offer to visit him in California.

 

Casey feels like the trip comes to her in pieces, like that Japanese samurai movie Derek loves so much.

 

First Lizzie calls and complains about her sunburn and freckles, then tells her all about how Edwin has been on the phone the whole time, trying to convince Lydia that he is serious about them and that Michelle was just a moment of weakness, and how Derek totally ditched them in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard.

 

Then Nora calls to complain that the boys are off doing their own thing, leaving her with a very hot and exhausted six year old plus Lizzie who looks like a horror movie villain with her face peeling.

 

Marti calls her to tell her that she wishes she could be there with them, if only because it might mean she could escape from George’s hawkish watch over her and actually scope out some cute surfer guys.

 

Derek calls her last, in the middle of the night. She can hear the whooshing of waves in the background and asks him if he’s at the beach. ‘Yeah, I had to get away.’ She makes a sympathetic sound. ‘Our family is crazy, you know that, right?’

 

She laughs and she wishes she could be there, with all of them. ‘I know.’ She tells him.

 

He takes a deep breath and she can almost picture him, standing in the sand, looking at the moon. ‘Hey, don’t work yourself into the ground okay? I’ll be home soon.’ She feels a little light headed when she thinks about how she’s his home now. ‘Okay.’ Her voice is soft (they mumble I love you’s, so quietno one else in the world can hear them and hang up).

 

* * *

 

He joins a band. Their name changes almost every other week (there’s a list on their fridge, each name getting crossed out when it gets worn out). He plays guitar, doesn't sing but actually writes some songs.

 

She peers over his shoulder at his notebook when he's writing at their kitchen table, filled with his familiar chicken scratch (she can’t make out anything). He shuts it when he realizes she’s hovering over him and looks at her. ‘Can I help you?’ It’s such a familiar phrase, said in that familiar way (half way between annoyance and pleasure at the idea of verbal sparing with her) that she just smiles. ‘Don’t get any ideas.’ He tells her and she just skips away, ponytail swinging behind her (she thinks of a song she helped write for a girl who demanded it and knows she'll never ask him to do that, she doesn't have to).

 

She goes to all their shows (there’s not a whole lot anyway). He gets nervous before each one and she can see the panic in his eyes. She hangs out backstage with the band and their various girlfriends (and occasional boyfriends) making sure that he doesn’t throw up.

 

She has his face between her hands one night and she’s talking to him, her voice low when the drummer (a tall, lanky guy named Amir) walks past them, making a gagging sound. ‘You guys are too much.’ Derek looks at him, pulling away from her grasp and flips him off but there’s a smile on his face.

 

She’s always up front, trying to stay in his eye line just in case he freaks out (he never does, he’s a natural on stage). He hypes up the crowd between sets, making jokes and telling stories. Sometimes he calls out for her on stage and waves, telling whatever bar or club they’re playing at that his girlfriend is here. Casey blushes like mad every time (she always blooms like a rose at spring when she’s reminded she’s his girlfriend here, not his stepsister).

 

One time she invites Richard and Jasmine to come watch the band play. Richard looks thoroughly unimpressed (he says they have an unpolished sound with cliche lyrics) but Jasmine looks thrilled to even be there and when Amir buys her a drink after their set, she gives Casey a thumbs up.

 

Derek comes up beside her, throwing his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close to kiss her temple. She takes his hand draped over her shoulder in hers and smiles at him. She hears Richard clear his throat and she looks at him. ‘Oh right, this is Richard, we summered together at my dad’s firm.’ Derek looks at him and just nods. ‘Sup.’

 

Richard nods in acknowledgement before looking at the bar. ‘How about a round of shots, on me?’ He looks back at them and Casey shrugs, it is the weekend after all.

 

After her fifth shot, Derek cuts her off and she feels annoyance bubbling up in her gut. ‘Thanks Dad.’ She spits out and he looks at her strangely.

 

She thinks about walking in Kingston, buzzed on beer and Abba. She presses her forehead against his and pushes, as if to head butt him but he grabs her shoulders. ‘We’re going.’ He says to her but she can’t respond before Richard replies. ‘Oh boo, we were just getting started weren’t we, Casey?’ Casey doesn’t move from her position, not even a inch away from Derek and neither does he (neither is very good at backing down).

 

They stay locked in that position for a couple more seconds before he reaches for her hand and she takes a step back and falls into place beside him.

 

They don’t talk during the cab ride home. She feels like she’s done something wrong, like she’s hurt him somehow but she can’t figure out how.

 

‘I don’t like him.’ He says to her quietly when they’re in the bathroom, her taking off her makeup lazily and him mid-floss. She looks up at him from where she’s perched on the edge of the tub. The light from the ceiling blinds her and she can’t make out his expression. She looks down at the cotton pad in her hand and sees sparkly blue eyeshadow. ‘Okay.’ She says to him (he’s really stupid sometimes, everything she’s always wanted has been shades of him, almost but not enough, and now she has the real thing, she’s not giving that up for anything).

 

* * *

 

She spends the next summer at a legal aid clinic in the city. Her dad asks her why she doesn’t return but she promises she’ll come back to article, she just needs to try something new.

 

The work is harder, the clients have more on the line than just money and she finds it completely terrifying. But for some reason, when she tries and tries, she doesn’t fail. She does well. Clients appreciate the control she exerts, she doesn’t panic (she can’t when she has a mother of three sobbing across the desk from her because she’s getting evicted) and her supervising lawyer has nothing but praise for her.

 

Derek’s documentary subject for his thesis goes back to Guatemala and he follows her, stays there for two months.

 

Casey picks him up from the airport when he gets back. She counts the new freckles that show up on his face and he covers her with kisses, listing all the body parts of hers he’s missed.

 

After, when they’re lying in bed with nothing but the sound of their breathing and the floor fan they brought with them from Kingson filling the air, she turns to him. ‘Mmm, no pillowtalk.’ He says to her with eyes closed. ‘Too hot.’ She sighs, blowing hot air onto his cheek and he finally looks at her. ‘What?’

 

She smiles in victory. ‘You know, it would be nice for us to get away. Maybe after I write the bar?’ He looks thoughtful but doesn’t say anything. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.’ She lies on her back, eyes closed and voice dreamy. ‘It’d be so romantic, just the two of us in the city of love.’

 

His voice is like a record scratch. ‘Uh, no. Sounds lame.’ He tells her and she glares at him (she knows she’s doing that thing again, trying to make him into the perfect boyfriend but he told her before he’s the exception to all the rules). ‘And expensive.’ He offers and she takes it, heaving a heavy sigh.

 

‘But maybe one day.’ He takes a pause as if to think about it. ‘When I’ve suffered enough blunt force trauma that I don’t remember you saying ‘just the two of us in the city of love.’ He mimics her voice in that high pitched way that drives her crazy.

 

So she just hits him with a pillow and calls him a jerk. He just laughs and moves over her, kissing her neck. ‘Mmm no. Too hot.’ She echoes him from earlier and now they both laugh.

 

* * *

 

Casey looks horrified as she sees Derek leave their bedroom. ‘No, go back right now and change.’ He looks down at his polo and jeans, then looks back at her entirely confused. She gestures down at her dress, a black number (it’s a little tight but ends below the knee so she convinces herself it’s not entirely trashy) and points at him. ‘Dress pants, a button up shirt and I won’t make you wear a blazer.’ He groans in defeat but goes back.

 

When he comes out, he’s followed her instructions (she’s as surprised as anyone would be) and she makes a pleased face. ‘No ‘good boy here’s a treat’?’ He asks as he turns around for inspection.

 

She looks thoughtful for a moment. ‘Maybe later.’ She looks at her watch and ushers him out the door. ‘We can’t be late, that would be tacky.’

 

They take a cab into a part of the city she’s only ever been in with her dad. Derek shifts uncomfortably next to her and she puts her hand on his knee. ‘I don’t know why I had to come to this.’ He huffs out to the window so she doesn’t respond.

 

They get out at a building with a doorman, who he knows for some inexplicable reason. ‘He does some extra work for film students.’ He whispers into her ear as explanation after the two nod at each other in that familiar male greeting. Casey looks back at the doorman, who tips his hat at her and she feels incredibly out of place now but gets into the elevator and presses the PH button.

 

Richard greets her with a hug but when he stretches his hand out to Derek, he just looks at him and pulls Casey closer. She elbows him in the ribs and he finally takes his hand.

 

‘Welcome, glad you could make it.’ Richard looks at her when he says it and she can feel Derek tense beside her. For some reason she shakes off his arm that rests heavy on her shoulder (like a chain). ‘Why don’t I get you a drink?’ She nods and follows Richard, Derek a few steps behind her.

 

The awkwardness lifts after a while and she’s standing with a group of her classmates, talking about the last exams of their law school career. They’re all laughing and joking. ‘You know I was just think about what Learned Hand would say and-‘ Richard gets cut off by Derek, who’s been quiet all evening. ‘What now? Learned Hand?’

 

Everyone is looking at him now and Casey feels the urge to step out of the spotlight beside him. ‘Is that like some Victorian euphemism for jerking off or something?’ Richard looks at him and then at Casey (she looks away).

 

Then Derek’s looking at her and everyone’s quiet. ‘Come on, Case. You gotta agree. It's a weird name.’ She finally looks at him and then at everyone else (they look like they’re holding their breath, waiting for her to say something).

 

‘Learned Hand was a very distinguished judicial scholar.’ It’s like someone let the air out of a balloon and she has to excuse herself.

 

Derek follows after her and she cups her hand around her face to avoid looking at him. He grabs her arm, spinning her around. ‘Casey.’ He says, he’s almost pleading and she most definitely wants to throw up. She yanks her arm out of his grasp and takes a step back. ‘Don’t.’ Her voice is low and there’s a threatening quality to it (the threat is that she’ll cry). He tries to put a hand on her shoulder but she dodges him. ‘Did you want to embarrass me?’ She’s whispering and her hands are shaking. ‘Are you happy now?’

 

He takes a step back and looks at her. ‘What?’ He’s confused and that pisses her off even more (can’t he just be the perfect little trophy that she needs him to be right now, does everything need to be a joke). ‘You think I’m embarrassing you?’ He gets that look in his eye, that one when he really wants to hurt her and she thinks oh god, oh my fucking god.

 

He turns on his heel and walks straight up to Richard, wraps an arm around his neck like they’re old friends. ‘Hey Dick.’ Richard goes to correct him but Derek just plows on. ‘You wanna know something fun, something real sick.’ He has a drink in his free hand and uses it to point in the direction of Casey. ‘Casey, that girl right there, she’s not just my girlfriend.’ He meets her eyes from across the room. ‘She’s my stepsister too.’ There’s a gasp from someone in the room. ‘Real fucked up, ain’t it?’

 

Casey feels her stomach drop (or maybe it’s her heart but either way there’s some real internal mix up happening). He makes his way over to her and she is humming with rage. ‘Embarrassed yet?’ She wants to scream at him but instead turns and storms out, not bothering to take the elevator, just taking the stairs two by two in her heels.

 

She’s waiting outside for a cab when Derek stumbles out behind her. ‘Get away from me!’ She yells at him and her eyes are burning with tears pricking the back of her eyes. ‘Get the hell away from me!’ He stands a foot away from her, watching her and she can’t read the expression on his face because her vision has gone all blurry. ‘Why do you ruin everything?’ She crosses the space between them and pushes him. ‘I hate you.’ She tells him through gritted teeth and she’s crying properly now, sobbing really.

 

‘My entire fucking universe has revolved around you since we were fifteen and the second I do something for me, I try something for me, you have to ruin it.’ She’s trying to sound angry but her voice is all watery from the crying.

 

He doesn’t say anything for a bit and she stands there, wrapping her arms around herself.

 

‘That’s bullshit.’ He says quietly. ‘That’s bullshit and you know it.’ His voice is louder now. ‘You always called the shots. You were the one who was always calling the fucking shots.’ She looks at him and only sees a blurry Derek-shaped outline. ‘I’ve been obsessed with you since I met you.’ He rubs his face with his hands and lets out a guttural sound. ‘I didn’t want to be but there you were, being all you. Always being better, expecting better of me.’ He looks back up at the building. ‘Do you know how hard it is to be with you, when I know I’m not better?’

 

Finally a cab pulls up and Casey gets in. She wipes her face as she leans out the window and sees Derek trying to catch up to the cab as it drives away.

 

He doesn’t come back to the apartment that night (it’s not their home anymore). She packs her stuff and goes to stay with her dad. She asks him to put in a good word with the firm’s office in Toronto, apologizes for not staying with him in New York but tells him she has to leave.

 

The night before she’s due in Toronto, they have dinner at home and she tells him about a bad breakup (without using names). He wraps his arms around her, tight, and she lets him hold her. ‘Don’t run away from your problems.’ It’s the last piece of fatherly advice he gives her before she returns to Canada.

 

* * *

 

Toronto is better for her. She sees Emily a lot more, and they can finally properly plan the wedding now that they outnumber Sheldon two to one.

 

She lives with Lizzie and her girlfriend (it’s still girl Jamie and they have the most functional relationship out of anyone in the family) in a two bedroom apartment in North York.

 

Work is great. There’s a junior associate at the firm who she’s kind of seeing on the down low (his name is Noah and he’s sweet and smart and kind and never jealous) but it’s not the huge secret she’s used to keeping so she doesn’t mind. Lizzie likes him, Marti thinks he’s a creep and Edwin tries to get insider trading secrets out of him. He holds his own against all the kids which Casey is mostly impressed by.

 

She gets a cat, this scrappy little black thing that Lizzie finds in the alley behind their building. It’s really Lizzie and Jamie’s cat (who they name Luna) but she likes to curl up on Casey’s bed at night and when she comes home from the office, Luna is the first one to greet her. It makes her feel weirdly proud.

 

Her first book of poetry gets published, although under a pseudonym (Sylvia Baptiste like Sylvia Plath and she can hear Derek saying ‘didn’t she stick in her head in the oven’ when she discusses it with her editor). It’s a moderate success and her editor calls her to say thank god she didn’t let any of her high school poetry into the collection (Max was a pretty shitty muse anyway). She keeps an extra copy in her desk, meaning to send it to Derek (anonymously of course) as a kind of fuck you, look how great my life is without you, but she can’t bring herself to do it (tells herself he probably doesn’t live at their old address anyway).

 

It’s a Saturday when her kind of boyfriend calls her and tells her about this film festival he got tickets for. ‘And well, since you’re almost done your articling I figured maybe it could be our first real outing as a real couple.’ She’s watching Lizzie braid Jamie’s hair as they watch tv, barely paying attention to what he’s saying. ‘Yeah sure.’ She sees Lizzie’s fingers brush gently against her girlfriend’s neck and she has to look away, it’s too intimate. ‘Great! So listen I thought we could go see this documentary, it’s getting a lot of good buzz and there’s going to be a conversation with the director afterwards.’ She has no idea what he’s talking about but agrees anyway. ‘Sounds great, I’ll see you then.’

 

She turns her attention to the tv now, where a middle aged man covered in silver paint is surrounded by scantily clad women informing the audience that his store now accepts silver for cash, as well as gold. ‘Noah?’ Lizzie asks, admiring her work and pressing a kiss to her girlfriend’s cheek. They both turn to look at Casey.

 

‘What?’ She takes awhile to catch up to what Lizzie means. ‘Oh yeah. He wants to go to see some movie I think.’

 

Lizzie and Jamie exchange a knowing look at each other. ‘Hey!’ Casey feels like she’s not in the on joke.

 

Her sister moves to sit next to her and looks like she’s trying to figure out how to say this nicely. ‘Well, it’s not like you have a great track record with guys and I was thinking that maybe after New York you might have wanted a break from dating.’ Casey looks at her and there’s panic in her eyes. ‘Dad told me you had a bad breakup…’ She looks at her expectantly like she’s waiting for to fill in the blanks.

 

‘Oh come on, Casey, you can tell us.’ Jamie pipes up, putting a hand on Lizzie’s shoulder from her spot beside her.

 

And she breaks. ‘Okay, there was a… breakup.’ She struggles to get the word out. ‘But I’m totally fine now. Super happy.’ She gives a big smile and the other two laugh. ‘Hey! I’m trying okay.’ She curls up on her side of the couch and pouts (she likes living with Lizzie and Jamie, just not when they gang up on her).

 

Lizzie sighs dramatically before she puts a hand on Casey’s knee. ‘Was it Derek?’ She looks at her in shock and jumps up. ‘What no!’ She’s pacing now, feeling completely off centre.

 

Lizzie jumps up after her. ‘I knew it!’ She turns to Jamie. ‘Edwin owes me twenty bucks.’ Casey opens her mouth to protest but can’t find the words. ‘I mean, I’m so sorry, he’s such a jerk.’ Lizzie moves to hug Casey and she lets her, leaning into her and resting her head on her shoulder.

 

Jamie is watching the whole scene unfold from her spot on the couch. ‘Wow, you guys really are like a greek tragedy.’ Casey sighs and falls back beside her. ‘No, if we were a greek tragedy we’d really be related.’ She pauses as if to think. ‘And someone would have killed themselves by now.' She makes a face. 'Probably me.’

 

The reveal is actually kind of… healing in a way. Casey feels lighter and heavier at the same time but not having to hide this part of her life from another person actually helps. She makes Lizzie promise not to tell anyone and because she’s a good sister, she doesn’t (even though she knows she wants to collect on her bet with Edwin). Life goes on.

 

* * *

 

She’s leaving work, in the elevator trying to shove her thermos into her bag when a hand reaches in to stop the doors from closing. Noah steps in and smiles at her. ‘Hey, good last day?’ He asks, careful to keep a respectful distance from her.

 

She smiles back at him. ‘It was perfect.’ They stare at each other for a second, all shy smiles and glances before the elevator dings that it’s reached the lobby. ‘I’m excited for tonight, pick you at 8?’ She nods and feels some warmth creep up her neck at his sincerity.

 

When she gets home and starts going through her closet (trying to find the perfect thing to wear) she finds a garment bag and unzips it. It’s the dress from Richard’s party. She contemplates for a moment but then zips the bag up (she’s not ready yet and she won’t think about what that means). She ends up borrowing something from Lizzie, a patterned blue dress that brings out her eyes. Noah goes woah when he sees her and she feels like a million bucks.

 

The drive to the theatre is quiet (she thinks about a drive to a new country, to a new after and she tells her that is firmly in the past, before this). She takes his hand from off the gear shift and holds it in her lap. He smiles at her (yeah, things are okay).

 

‘Parking is such a bitch here.’ He says as they ride around the block. He throws an embarrassed look at her and she realizes he’s never cursed in front of her before. ‘Sorry.’ He says sheepishly and she shakes her head (such a gentleman).

 

It takes them a few tries but he finds a spot and she thinks she sees a familiar car somewhere around Front Street but ignores it. She finds out that she was most likely right when they finally sit down and she looks at the tickets in Noah’s hand (he’s brought her to watch Derek’s film). She feels like she’s going to be sick but he doesn’t notice and she doesn’t say anything.

 

The movie is good, genuinely (she so desperately wanted it to suck so she can rub it in his face). It’s the story of Manuela, the titular domestic superhero (for some reason she thinks of Edwin when she sees the title) and her struggle as an undocumented immigrant working as a domestic worker. He’s a skilled director, knows how to convey everything he wants to through one image. She can hear him speaking Spanish sometimes, it’s a lot better than she remembers. She’s crying by the end (but so is Noah) and when the credits roll, it gets a standing ovation.

 

Then Derek comes onto the stage, followed by Manuela and a translator. Casey can’t stay for the Q&A (it’s too much for her to handle) so she gets up, telling Noah she has to go to the bathroom. She stays there for awhile and then when other women start piling in, she knows it’s over.

 

She wants to sneak out, in case he’s lurking but she realizes that there’s a reception after. A waiter approaches and she snatches a glass of champagne off the tray. She downs it in one gulp and tries to find Noah, who, she realizes with horror, is standing with Derek. She can’t hear what they’re saying but he’s gesturing, deep in conversation. She’s frozen and her inability to move means that Derek spots her. She takes a step back, bumping into a young woman who shots her a dirty look when she apologizes.

 

She goes outside, texting Noah that she’s by the car when she feels someone standing behind her. She turns around, praying it’s not him (of course it’s him). ‘Oh hey, great movie!’ She says cheerfully and it’s so fake that he winces.

 

He’s dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, hair cut short like that one summer. She wants to reach out and touch him (but she doesn’t so she squeezes her hands together in an iron grip). ‘Did you really like it or are you just saying that to be a good stepsister?’

 

Now it’s her turn to wince. ‘I do, really.’ Her voice is soft and she thinks about what he said, about being better. She feels a flash of shame mixed in anger. That night in New York is fresh in her mind after almost a year (he always knew how to hit her where it hurts). She turns around, to look back at the car.

 

He touches her arm, gently, more gently than he ever has and she covers her face with her hands. ‘Case, listen.’ He’s standing right behind her and she shudders under the weight of everything. ‘I’m sorry.’ She starts to count in her mind, one, two three… ‘I was scared and I-‘

 

‘Hey Casey!’ She hears Noah’s voice and turns around to see him look at the two of them really confused. ‘What’s going on?’ She takes a step, out of Derek’s grasp and towards Noah. She takes his hand in hers. ‘Let’s go.’ She says quietly. She feels Derek’s eyes on her as she gets into the car but she will not look back and she will not think of him (she fails on one count).

 

* * *

 

The whole family comes to celebrate her call to the bar (not whole because Derek manages to weasel his way out of showing up, by just not showing up). Everyone is proud as they can be but when Casey tells George she got a position with a community legal aid clinic, he pumps his fist in the air and yells ‘take that Dennis!’

 

They all go out to dinner afterwards and Casey lets herself bask in the attention and praise. Edwin asks her too many hypothetical questions about the legality of various schemes, Lizzie beams at her like she’s conquered the world (and then tells she’s so happy she doesn’t have to disown her for working at a firm that is aiding and abetting the total destruction of the environment), Marti looks weirdly antsy but when Casey asks what’s up Marti just says 'boy problems' with a cryptic look on her face.

 

It’s so nice and she almost misses home (she doesn’t bother to dissect what home means anymore, she just lets it be).

 

They’re having dessert (although Simon isn’t having dessert so much as wearing it) when Casey notices that Marti is fully distracted by something over her shoulder. She looks behind her and sees Derek, dressed in shorts and a tropical print shirt, making his way to their table as waiters try to direct him away. Marti groans. ‘Oh my god, there’s a dress code here, Derek. Couldn’t you have classed it up a little.’

 

Casey doesn’t understand what’s going on but he’s standing next to her and now the whole restaurant is looking at them and she wants to die.

 

‘Casey, I have to talk to you.’ He says, then turns to everyone else at the table who looks at him like he’s grown a second head. ‘Hi everyone.’ He waves then turns back to her and she’s looking up at him, thinking of what to say but her mouth is so dry that she can’t get anything out.

 

‘Um, okay, I was kind of banking on you wanting to book it out of here but I can do this here too.’ He looks around nervously and she thinks she should be enjoying this (him totally off his game and looking like a total idiot). ‘Casey, I’m in love with you.’

 

She can hear Nora gasp and George make a sound like he might be having an aneurysm. Marti scoffs. ‘Oh come on, who didn’t see that coming.’ She can see Edwin smack her arm out of the corner of her eye and then he whispers, ‘shh, this is getting good.’

 

Derek swallows and she can see his Adam’s apple bob. ‘I screwed up, so bad but I was so scared that you were just going to ditch me for some perfect lawyer Ken doll to fit with your perfect lawyer life.’ He’s looking at her so intensely but she can’t look away. ‘I know you want perfect and romance and Paris and I can’t give you that but I want to try.’

 

The restaurant is so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Lizzie nudges Casey’s shoulder and she realizes that she should probably say something. Instead she gets up and kisses him. (She’ll cop to her own sins later, when they’re alone because turns out she’s not that big a fan of public displays of affection… or apologizing). Marti whoops, there’s clapping, and she feels completely and totally embarrassed when the manager comes and asks them to pay the bill and leave.

 

Turns out Nora and George were clueless the whole time, Marti figured it out immediately, before anyone else was able to figure it out (she tells Casey she doesn’t really have many memories of Derek pre-Casey which makes it easier to pull her head out of her ass), Edwin and Lizzie had their suspicions but after comparing notes with Marti, they were convinced. Simon just mostly thinks kissing is gross no matter who does it (he’s 8, that’ll happen).

 

There’s a very sad attempt at The Talk that each parent tries to have with their respective children but they’re adults, have already lived through an adult relationship once so there’s not much to discuss. They give in to the ‘no sex in the house’ rule though, figuring they can keep that promise (maybe).

 

* * *

 

His documentary gets picked to play in a film festive in France so they go to Paris. It’s hectic and packed with so many tourists that Casey forgets the whole dinner at the Eiffel Tower dream. When they get back to their apartment in Toronto, she collapses on their bed and groans.

 

He lies down next to her and puts something on her nightstand. It’s a picture of them, in front of the Eiffel Tower (taken approximately two minutes before she demanded that they get the hell out of there). She’s smiling and he’s making a face but she loves it, loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all folks, thanks for reading! it makes me happy that this little show, that's so special to me, still has a lot of people involved and creating awesome work


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